


Lost Is My New Home

by Erestorandfin



Series: Lost and Found [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Eating Disorders, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Regret, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:09:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27979383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: After returning from New Earth, Kathryn finds her darker side, which she had previously managed to bury, is reasserting itself, gradually replacing her positive thoughts. This story follows her struggle to remain in control, and get Voyager home.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine, Kathryn Janeway/Kashyk
Series: Lost and Found [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049261
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	1. Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to my beta Mary S for sticking with me for this one, and for all the time and input it took to get this story to where it is!
> 
> This story is set in individual ‘windows’ or mini stories following Kathryn through Voyager’s journey. It consists entirely of Kathryn's private experiences - her public actions and reactions to the various missions and encounters are no different than seen on screen, as she does not let this side of her show to the outside world, instead choosing to turn her feelings inward. It is significantly darker than my other works, and touches on some difficult subjects including declining mental health, as well as eating disorders and (unintentional) self harm although neither in great detail or explicitly. This story is the first part in a series, and while the sequel will address some of the issues contained in this story, this part does not have a happy ending. 
> 
> Assume that everything we saw in the episodes is unchanged apart from a few minor points, which should be fairly obvious (I.e. after Timeless, Kathryn stops having dinners with Chakotay). Some windows are based on specific episodes (with a heavy focus on Counterpoint), however others are not. Windows do not have a specific date, but are chronological. Timeframes starts in ‘Resolutions’ and ends roughly in 2380/81, unaltered timeline.
> 
> ~~~ indicates a break within a time period (i.e. morning to night in the same window) but not a change to a new window
> 
> *************** indicates change to the next window
> 
> Kathryn’s thoughts are in italics.
> 
> Inspiration for this chapter - 'Lost' by Dido.

However long I'm under makes no difference

However long I'm down, there'll be air for me

All I've had, that's lost, that's gone, it falls away

I'll come up in my time, there'll be no fear for me

I walk down this easy path where shadows fall behind

And rest beneath the trees and wait for me

Lost where I belong, lost where I've gone

Lost is my new home, lost’s where I belong

Usually darkness gets to me; this place is mine

No idea what led me to more peace than home

Dressed in blue she takes me through no doubt for me

To follow right behind, the sun is blind and I can't see

Lost where I belong, lost where I've gone

Lost is my new home, lost where I belong

Lost’s where I belong, lost where I've gone

Lost is my new home, lost’s where I belong

I can walk, with no end,

Nothing hurts, nothing's pain

Nothing's missed, no one's gone,

Moved away, nothing's wrong

Lost where I belong

Lost where I've gone

**~~~**

She loved to watch him sleep.

Calmly she had sat awake in her bed, just waiting. Waiting until she could tell he was asleep, before slipping into his room and sitting down on the floor with her back to the wall. Just watching the slow rise and fall of his chest. The soft frown on his face, as though his dreams were disturbed. 

All night she watched, purposely keeping herself uncomfortable, never sitting still long enough to fall asleep. She knew every sound he made, the cadence of his breath. Carefully listening for the drawn out inhalation which signalled he was beginning to return to wakefulness, so she could leave before he knew she had been here. She carefully committed every tiny detail to memory.

She loved to watch him sleep.

She knew this would be the last time.

***************

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge.

She spent most of the day in her ready room, eyes glazed from memories she couldn’t quiet. It was harder every day to forget. Harder every day to live, knowing what she had left behind.

Struggling to accept that Voyager was gone and determined to find a cure, she had pushed away the joy. But somehow, he’d understood her, seemed to know how difficult it was for her to accept the loss of her identity. Let her know how he felt, unconditionally, without pressure, without expectation. Only the hope that eventually she would allow him to help ease her burdens. The promise of time, as much time as she needed. If only she had known then what she was letting slip by.

In the end, against her will, she had softened, finding it increasingly difficult to deny what her heart wanted. He was the only one who needed her, and she needed him just as desperately. Sunlit moments they shared, soft kisses, and the overwhelming peace of their two hearts together.

It had been foolish for her to give in to her desire. It was too good to last, too much to hope that she could be allowed to live her own life. The illusion shattered by the static of the combadge.

And so she had pushed him away, knowing she couldn’t be what he needed, couldn’t go back to the ship as this Kathryn, as his Kathryn. Hoping to spare him from future misery, she had done her best to ensure she left him no hope that they could ever be together.

_He gave you everything, and you destroyed him._

Voyager had returned to save them from the isolated planet, or at least that was how it appeared. When they beamed back aboard, gone was the physical response caused by the virus, but in its place was something far worse. She hadn’t even realised her heart was healed enough to give, until she learned how it felt to leave it behind. The emptiness where it should have been, a constant reminder of her fractured existence. 

_You could never be enough to love, not anymore._

But as Captain, she didn’t have time to worry about her feelings. 

***************

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge

The Delta Quadrant was nothing if not consistent. They were thrown from one disaster to another, and at first the desperate fight for life distracted her. After all, there was still so much time to find a short cut back to the Alpha Quadrant. 

But hope can only last so long. 

Each blow of a failed plan seemed to stretch their journey indefinitely, and even she began to believe they would never reach home.

_Home? Each day we travel further from home._

A whisper from what remained of her treacherous heart. She ignored it.

***************

“Maybe if we were staying here, it would be different, but it’s not. I’m sorry, Chakotay, I just don’t feel that way about you.” She forced herself to keep holding his gaze, outwardly calm, assured. It seemed she’d never completely left the Captain on Voyager; becoming her again was easier than she expected.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Believe what you want, it doesn’t change how I feel. We are friends, good friends, but nothing more.”

He watched her quietly, unnervingly calm as he appraised her, trying to understand what she was doing.

“I know you feel it, there’s always been a spark between us. Now we know what we could have, how can you go back? We’ve been so happy here; when we leave, we don’t have to lose what we found. I don’t believe what we’ve shared means nothing to you. Kathryn, please. Please talk to me about this.”

She steeled herself for what she was about to do. She couldn’t let him see what this cost her, she had to convince him.

“We were the only two people in the whole world, Chakotay, what other choice was there? You can’t blame me for accepting the comfort you offered. But I don’t love you, Chakotay. I’m sorry. I didn’t think we’d ever leave, that you’d ever need to know. It was kinder to pretend. I’ve nothing else to say. Please don’t ask me again.”

Jaw tightening as he felt her drive the knife as deep as she could manage, he left their shelter without a word. When she was sure he was gone, she let herself weep silently. Hating herself for what she had done, knowing she should never have let her guard down, to let him get as close as she had. Using the parts of her now shattered heart, she began to rebuild her mask, stronger than ever. She couldn’t let herself be this weak again. No one could know.

~~~

She woke in a cold sweat, heart pounding, panting, breathless. She felt trapped, tangled tightly in her sheets; she must have been thrashing about again. 

Despite the many happy memories they had built on New Earth, this was the only moment that ever visited her dreams. Night after night she found herself back there, each time just as devastating as it had been in reality. 

“Lights 30%.” she gasped, struggling to escape from her fabric binding. Eventually she managed to loosen the sheet and sit up, reaching for her water. Gulping down the whole glass, she pressed the cool surface against her burning forehead once it was empty. 

Kathryn was no stranger to nightmares. She had always struggled with them; with her past, it was inevitable. But over time, she had managed to control them somewhat, reduce how much they affected her. 

Then they were stranded here. Something about this Quadrant seemed conducive to disturbed sleep, her nightmares seemed so much more vivid here. So much harder to clear her mind, to separate reality from fiction.

Pulling her legs up against her chest, she rested her chin on her knees, wrapping her arms around her calves, forcing herself to take deep slow breaths. Her pulse began to return to normal, but the tight clenching in her chest only seemed to get worse.

 _You hurt anyone who gets close_ _to you. Justin, Father, Mark, Chakotay. Every person on this ship_ _whom y_ _ou stranded, all their loved ones who will never see them again. They would all be better if_ _they had never crossed your path. You destroy everything you touch._

It hadn’t taken Chakotay long to come back to her, convinced she had lied, that she was still lying to him. She had stuck to her position rigidly, firmly denying her feelings for him, making it clear she would not be moved. She reminded him of their duty to the ship, warned him that he was projecting his own feelings onto her, and it was jeopardising their command structure. That she expected better of him, and if he couldn’t separate his personal life from the job he needed to do, she would have to find someone who could. Each blow she dealt crippling her as much as him. 

He left no less convinced, but deeply wounded by her brutal tear down.

Since then they had managed to rebuild their command relationship, working together almost as naturally as before. Their friendship, while not as easy or strong as it had been, persevered, and they continued to meet for dinners in her quarters to discuss the business of the ship. But he knew better than to mention anything more, perhaps sensing she would not hesitate to unleash her fury on him once again. Or, she thought with a pang of guilt, he had understood, despite her attempts to conceal it, the distress she felt when she had to push him away. It would be just like him to protect her at the cost of his own feelings.

She couldn’t tell him the truth, about the emptiness inside her, how broken she had been since she left her heart with him on New Earth. How weak she was, her fears about her choices, about her ability to get them home.

She missed their closeness, but she took what she could get, knowing it was too dangerous to go further. It had been the right choice, but his face as she ripped out his heart continued to haunt her. Oh god, what she had seen in his eyes that day.

Sometimes she could still see it there when he thought she wasn’t watching.

It was the third time in a week she had had this nightmare. She knew better than to fall asleep again. New Earth might be the freshest cut, but there were still two more places she could avoid revisiting tonight.

“Coffee, black.”

***************

“...If it had taken a few more seconds to get a lock on you, you would have been killed, Kathryn, did you think of that?” Chakotay was furious. He hadn’t wanted her to go on this away mission in the first place; every time she’d left the ship recently seemed to result in some sort of injury. But she had insisted. 

“But it didn’t, and I’m fine. The Doctor has already discharged me, nothing more than a few scratches.” Her blue eyes blinked innocently, imploring him to forgive her. 

“Voyager needs her Captain, we all need you. You don’t have to do everything on your own, Kathryn.” He ran a frustrated hand across his forehead and back through his hair, shaking his head. “I just don’t know how to make you take your safety seriously. One day even your luck will run out.”

 _That day has long gone Chakotay._ She thought sadly. _If I were lucky we would still be on New Earth._

He was wrong to suggest she didn’t know how much danger she had been in. She had known exactly what she was doing, had sought it, sought that moment when the rush of adrenaline let her feel something other than emptiness.

“I’ll be more careful.” she whispered, with no intention to follow through. 

***************

Dead. They were all dead.

She had been so desperate for the slipstream to work. It had been too dangerous, she knew they didn’t have the data to support it. Chakotay had known it, and she’d dismissed him. If it weren’t for Chakotay and Harry...

She had risked all their lives.

 _They all think you care about them._ _They don’t know how little it would take for you to betray them. You sent them all to their deaths._

Why? Why had she taken such a reckless risk? 

_We've waited long enough. I know it's a risk, probably our biggest one yet, but I'm willing to take it. Are you with me?_

She could hear herself saying it, the false confidence, the desperate longing. His face in her mind, telling her this was madness, wasn’t worth the risk. But she had pressed him, relentless with her desire for his support. Instead of understanding his deep misgivings, all she had heard in that moment was his _‘always’_. All she had thought of was the chance, however slight, for something to finally go right for her. For them.

This had never been about Earth, how hadn’t she seen it before.

Despite all she had done to him, she had never been fully able to give up the hope that maybe they could be together. She had been willing to gamble every person on Voyager on a dream. And even Chakotay hadn’t been able to dissuade her. She had played on his feelings, imploring him to trust her, trust she was doing the right thing, even though she wasn’t. He was in too deep, unable or unwilling to challenge her as he once would have. In the end, he had decided her feelings were more important than the doubts he had. 

But that ended here. She needed him to be her officer first, not her friend. She needed someone to tell her when her feelings clouded her judgement, even if it meant hurting her. If that meant an end to their dinners, so be it.

She had proved she couldn’t resist temptation. 

***************

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge.

She had tried so hard to remove the temptation he presented her. She had stopped inviting him to her quarters for dinner, brushed him off when he tried to convince her to spend some time together. But it hadn’t worked. His persistence only intensified. The more she struggled away, the tighter he tried to hold on. 

_‘I can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen.’_

Once, she knew, he had understood the futility of placing one’s faith in an improbable future. But she could see it in his eyes, he had lost his objectivity. No matter how she pushed him away, denied that she felt anything, she knew he would wait forever. 

This thought had once given her hope. But she began to realise that even if they made it back to Earth, there was not enough left of her for him. She was losing herself piece by piece, like a trail of crumbs through the Delta Quadrant. She couldn’t ask or expect him to settle for her as she was. All she had now was guilt, guilt for the life she had made his.

The thought of his life wasted like hers was unacceptable. It was too late for her. But she could still save him. She had to try harder.

He had never believed her when she denied her feelings, correctly theorising that she was choosing to conceal the truth. Apart from her words, she had given him no evidence, no indication that her interest lay elsewhere.

If it took proof, that’s what she would give him.


	2. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Mary S for all the help!
> 
> Kathryn’s thoughts are in italics.
> 
> Inspiration for this chapter - 'Lose Control' by Evanescence

You don't remember my name  
I don't really care  
Can we play the game your way?  
Can I really lose control?

**~~~**

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge.

And then for once it seemed the universe gave her what she needed.

Kashyk.

There was something about him. Dangerous. Cold. In spite of herself, she did find him intriguing. Of course, she needed him to get Voyager through Devore space safely, but she could have done so without going as far as she did. She did that for Chakotay’s sake. If he needed evidence of how she had fallen, she would make sure he got it.

She knew she was merely a pawn to Kashyk in his quest to find the worm hole, but two could play at that game, and they did. She felt no guilt for using her body to lure him in. After all, he had started this game; she had no illusions that his actions were anything but an attempt to win it, and she was sure it was time that someone finally defeated him. She had every intention of being that person, and he would have no one to blame but himself.

But her heart couldn’t help but hurt at what it would do to Chakotay. It needed to be done, she had to set him free, knowing the pain he would feel would be nothing to the hurt she would prevent by forcing him to let go.

It was only a matter of time before Kashyk made a move on her, but her passive acceptance would not be enough. If he even suspected her reluctance for a moment, she knew Chakotay would assume she was sacrificing herself to secure safe passage for Voyager. She had to convince him that she wanted Kashyk. By this time she was so used to concealing her feelings it was almost second nature. So she played along with Kashyk’s games, flirting, teasing, drawing him in. She had always been free with her touch on the bridge, but now the touches usually reserved for her crew were also directed at Kashyk. And she made sure Chakotay overheard when she told Kashyk that her door was always open for him, her eyes dropping to his lips for a moment before meeting his gaze. While her words might have been neutral, her tone implied anything but. Besides, with him taking over her ready room, it was clear the only doors she needed to invite him through were to her personal quarters.

Kashyk would be every bit as deceptive in private as he was in public, of that Kathryn had no doubt. She knew he wanted to dominate her, to break her, and she was more than happy to let him think he could. He didn’t know she was already broken, nothing he could do could really hurt, not in a way that mattered.

~~~

He came to her that night, as she knew he would. She could feel his eyes on her skin as he took her in. His gaze made her feel bare despite her nightdress, and she resisted the urge to cover herself. Instead she stood proudly, denying him the pleasure of seeing her discomfort.

He accepted the challenge with a smirk. It was so much more enjoyable to break a spirited woman like her. But she would break, he was sure of it. He knew she was expecting him to try, was ready for him to be forceful, direct, to hurt her. And he would.

But not yet.

First he wanted to unsettle her.

Stepping close to her, he let a hand drift softly over her cheek, watching as her eyes fluttered, tilting her head to look up at him. His other hand finding her hip, he gently encouraged her to move towards him. Their lips met, and it was nothing like she expected. No demand, no aggression. She had never been more confused.

Eventually the kiss deepened, and she became aware of hands skimming down her arms, leaving warm trails where his fingers touched her skin. Her own hands had, without her notice, wrapped themselves around the back of his neck, encouraging him, pulling him closer. She could feel the cool silk brushing against her firm breasts and she quivered.

Suddenly, he let her go, bringing both hands to the top of her nightdress. Their eyes met. Deliberately, without breaking their gaze, he smoothed his hands over her shoulders, pushing the straps down her arms until they no longer supported the fabric. He let it fall away.

Shivering, she told herself it was because the cool air was far more apparent clad only in panties. But her heart’s racing betrayed her. She was excited, an emotion she barely remembered but it was addictive, she needed more. It was impossible to trust him, both their intentions were calculated to bring about their own ends, but somehow he was drawing something out of her that she desperately needed to feel.

_I’m doing this because I have to_ , she thought angrily. _How can I enjoy this?_

Kashyk had no such qualms. 

“You have beautiful skin, so pale, like a canvas waiting to be... coloured,” his words low, as he trailed a finger slowly between her breasts, feeling her tremble as it continued down over her stomach, stopping as he reached her panties, running along the edge but not pushing them aside or removing them.

Moving closer, he tilted her head to one side. She shuddered as she felt him lean in, breath hot in her ear as he inhaled the scent of her hair. Warmth spread down her body as he nipped and licked, and now both hands were on her breasts, caressing her hardened peaks, unexpectedly gentle. She felt herself lured into his touch, pressing herself forward against him. 

“So impatient.” His tone amused. “More?”

She nodded.

His hands left her breasts, sliding down her panties until they fell to the floor. His mouth had replaced his hands, enveloping one nipple in heat. Eyes closed, aware of nothing but the sparks his mouth was creating, and her body’s desperate desire for more friction, something, anything to relieve the pressure building inside. 

Hot palms on the inside of her thighs pushed her legs further apart. And then his fingers found her centre as he sucked her nipple, the combination flooding her with heat and she cried out.

She felt rather than saw him remove his clothing in quick succession, before pushing her backwards. Moaning as her back hit the wall, she was overwhelmed with excitement, the need to feel him inside her. Her hands gripped tightly in his hair, pulling him flush to her body, the heat of his skin against hers. The movement brought them into alignment and she could feel him pressing against her, seeking entrance. Before she had time to think, to realise they were going too fast, he had slid fully into her.

Oh, it was too much, it had been so long for her, she felt impossibly stretched, but held between him and the wall, she had nowhere to retreat. Thankfully it seemed he too was overwhelmed for a moment, and he held them still against the wall. A whispered apology in her ear for losing control.

But despite this, he seemed unable to hold himself back, to give her the time she needed, his hips jerking in a short sharp thrust making her whimper. She fought to stop tears forming in her eyes, she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had hurt her. But it was too late, he had seen them. His response was unexpected, disconcerting her again as she tried to understand. Wiping them away carefully with both hands, he took her lips in a soft kiss, gently tempting her to open her mouth for him. His fingers stroked her face, running back over her scalp and through her hair, reigniting her desire. He whispered into her ear, coaxing her to focus on his words, his face, his hands as they all worked together to distract her.

She felt herself relaxing against him, and he was able to start a slow but firm rhythm, and now each movement was filled with pleasure. As he sped up, his force was causing her head to knock against the wall, and she felt his hand settle on her neck, trying to stop it. He held her tightly, stabilising her against each thrust. After waiting so long, her body was desperate for release and she felt him quickly drive her higher.

As she neared the edge of the abyss, she felt his hand tighten around her throat and she struggled to draw breath. He did not relax his grip as she grew lightheaded, and for a moment she wondered if she had underestimated him, wondered what it would be like if he just kept holding on until she was no longer capable of drawing breath.

She felt no fear, only peace at the thought, part of her longing for the end he offered, the end she knew was coming one way or another. She had the strong urge to meet his eyes, let him see her without fear of death, to take away his power with her own acceptance. But she knew if she died like this, her crew would seek retribution on the Devore, placing Voyager in danger. The consequences were too risky, and for this reason alone, she began to struggle. Her hands found his, attempting to pry it from her throat, but his other hand quickly swept them away. Before she knew what was happening, he had pinned them above her head, the angle forcing her back to arch, pushing her body more firmly against his. She could feel his excitement at her panic and he moved faster, thrusting into her even harder than before.

As their eyes met, she knew he wasn’t sure if he would let go of her or not. He knew he should, but the temptation to hold on was strong, so unwilling to relinquish his control over her. He had manoeuvred her expertly, building her desire with soft touches and whispers. Lulled her gently in until she was too far gone to realise the danger concealed under his calm exterior. Waited until he had her trapped by his larger body, weakened from oxygen deprivation and need, to let her see his intentions. Everything that happened tonight had been carefully planned, designed to deceive her into believing that he had softness. It had been a masterful performance, and she had fallen for it, despite her instinct. The second she had let herself believe his act, he had dropped it, switched back to his true, darker desires, to keep her on edge, keep her guessing. She had known him for what he was, but she had ignored it. 

_What a perfect pair you make. If he has a heart, it is as cold as yours._

And she realised she had no control over the outcome. Either he would let her go or set her free. She was entirely at his mercy. In that moment she no longer felt the weight of being captain, the guilt of her decisions, the torture of her broken heart. Pain. Pleasure. Joy. Fear. Delight. Disgust. Need. Acceptance. She felt it all and nothing. Bliss.

Unable to cry out from lack of breath she fell over the edge, tightening around him. Her body screamed in ecstasy and agony, every sense heightened by the burning lack of oxygen. For a few moments she knew nothing, whether because she was incapacitated by the rush of pleasure, or because she had actually passed out, she was unsure. She was unaware of his frantic movements as he sought his release, his eyes triumphant at her surrender. He had won, his dominance over her complete.

Reflexively his hand tightened on her neck as he spilled into her, dangerously close to crushing her oesophagus. Only when his grip went slack from the after wave of release could she draw a gasping breath, colour flooding her face as her body fought for the air it so desperately needed. Awareness slowly returned, and she could hear his harsh breath, his body relaxed but still pressing hard enough to keep her pinned to the wall. 

After a few moments, he pulled back from her, her body too weak as she heaved for breath to keep herself upright. He did nothing to prevent her sliding to her knees in front of him. His arrogance was apparent as he looked down at her, and he felt the stirring of arousal once more. She was beautiful in her brokenness. He could already see red marks on her pale skin from his fingertips; tomorrow she would be exquisitely bruised.

“Kathryn...”

Her head snapped up, anger flaring at his use of her name in such a personal manner. Out here, she only let one person use her name. Kashyk laughed, delighted to get under her skin.

“Still so proud, Kathryn? Clearly we are not done here yet.”

One hand found her hair, wrapping his fingers tightly into her auburn locks, forcing her head back so she was looking up at him, lips parted as she continued to pant for air. 

He ran a long finger across her bottom lip. “As much as I would love to come in that impudent mouth of yours, Kathryn, I need a little longer to recover. But…maybe later. For now, get up and wait for me on your bed.” It was not a request, and she knew it. Out of principle she thought about refusing, so used to being the one giving orders.

“I’m going to use your replicator to order something for us to drink, I’m sure you are aware I have not been provided with a working replicator in my rooms. I’m astounded by your lack of trust in me. By the time I am done, I expect to find you waiting for me.”

The urge to defy him was clear on her face, at war with her desire for more. He still wasn’t sure what her endgame was, he doubted it was as simple as trying to manipulate him for safe passage. But he knew she didn’t want to admit she wanted him, that she was enjoying this. By the time he was done, there would be no doubt. He would have her screaming for him whether she wanted to or not. Grasping her arm, he jerked her to her feet, gripping her chin in one hand as his eyes fixed on hers unwaveringly.

His touch was possessive, forceful as he drew her into an aggressive kiss, and she could tell the tight grip of his fingertips on her arms would leave bruises. Despite herself she felt a small flicker of excitement, after all pain was one of the few things she could still feel. The undercurrent of danger surrounding him promising her the rush of adrenaline she craved.

“You invited me here, Kathryn. If you don’t want what I’m offering, I’ll leave. Otherwise, do as I have instructed you immediately.” Kashyk watched her for a few seconds before letting go and walking away towards her replicator. He had no intention of leaving, despite what he had said. But she didn’t need to know that. 

He wanted to leave her with no doubts that she had chosen to submit to him, no safe space for her tomorrow to explain away her actions to herself. The illusion of choice had always proved to be quite brutal, particularly in those as headstrong as Janeway. She was gone when he turned back with two glasses of wine, as he had known she would be. Mentally checking off another barrier of hers as broken, he followed her to the bedroom. 

He offered her a glass but she shook her head. Her mind was already too unclear. 

“Sit up.”

Kashyk pulled her forward by her hips until she was perched on the edge of the bed. Sliding both hands into her hair, their lips met, firm and demanding but lacking the harshness of before. This barrier required more finesse. He didn’t stop until she was breathless again, her eyes dark with desire. Encouraging her to lie back, he pushed her thighs apart so she was completely open to him. He sunk to his knees in front of her, but there was no hint of submission. They both knew this was about power, about taking away any remnants of control she still had.

Kathryn felt his fingers brushing over her skin, feather light swirls around her stomach, hips, thighs, moving towards her centre but far too slow. Finally his fingers found her heated flesh, running over her entrance with one long finger, pressing her clit with another. His stroking was torturously slow and it took all of Kathryn’s willpower not to urge him on. Finally he slid a finger inside of her, crooking it to rub against her before adding a second and a ragged gasp left her lips. And then his mouth was on her, nipping, licking in time with his fingers which he drove in and out, speeding up as the intensity of her cries increased. 

She didn’t feel him smile against her as she crumbled; he knew she wasn’t aware of how loud she was, and he fully intended for her desire to be overheard. Her quarters were next to her First Officer’s, and he had seen how Chakotay looked at her. He couldn’t wait to see how this changed their dynamics. When she could think clearly, would she struggle to meet his eyes? Could they still function as a team? He was sure Chakotay would be unable to stop himself imagining this when he saw them together. He could never have guessed Janeway's goal was so similar to his own. 

Mercilessly he drove her towards release, always pulling back just before her peak, over and over until her face was streaked with tears of frustration, whimpering and arching against each touch, desperate for more.

Easing back from another crest, he heard her choke back a sob, her fingers white from gripping the sheets in her distress. She was ready to fall. Pulling back, he took in the rapid rise and fall of her chest, the longing in her eyes as she bit her lip, trying to hold back the impulse to beg him to continue. So determined not to lose control, but she was so close. All it would take was a little push.

“Tell me what you want, Kathryn.”

“More, please...” Her voice had lost its confidence, lacking her usual self-assuredness.

“What do you want me to do?” 

“Anything, please, don’t stop...”

“Mmmm, you haven’t been very willing to follow my orders, Kathryn, why should I reward your disobedience?”

He was delighted by the fury in her eyes, her fire not extinguished despite her submission.

“Are you going to behave yourself, do as I tell you?”

She said nothing.

“It’s your choice, Kathryn. I’ve had to remind you once already that you invited me here. I have no interest in convincing you to enjoy yourself. If you are so adverse to my company, I’ll walk away. Is that what you want?”

Focusing on her face, he saw her eyes widen, the battle to regain her control facing her desperate need. Despite her anger, he knew she would not let him go.

“Don’t leave me like this...I...I need...”

“You need what Kathryn?”

“You. I need you.”

For a moment he considered leaving her in her desperation. He could only imagine her utter devastation to be left after she had swallowed her pride and begged him for more. Her self-loathing as she was forced to touch herself to relieve the tension he had built. It was so tempting. But his own arousal was too strong, he wanted to possess her body again. He wanted to make her scream. 

“On your knees, grip the headboard.” 

This time there was no hesitation as she moved to obey his order. He thought he saw relief on her face; she too had wondered if he would resist temptation and leave. Her sigh as he slid back into her was almost too much, he had to dig his fingernails sharply into her soft hips to distract himself. Angling his hips, he drove her against the headboard, until she was screaming out with every thrust, utterly uninhibited as she searched for the release he had kept her from achieving. 

Slowing his movements, he could feel her utter disbelief as he yet again ripped her orgasm away from her at the last moment. 

“I want to hear my name on your lips, Kathryn. That is the price of what you want. Make me believe it and I will let you come.”

As he started to move again, he heard her sob it. Not good enough. Gripping her harder, he used all his force to pull her back onto him as he pushed forward. It was louder this time. He was close now too, moving faster and faster until he felt her tighten around him, and with a scream of his name, he finally let her peak. He joined her only moments later, and they both collapsed onto the sheets breathing hard. 

He rolled onto his side, watching as she turned to lie on her back. Watching as awareness returned to her and she realised what she had done. He knew she was replaying the evening in her head, trying to work out how she had lost control. 

She should have known better than to engage him in a battle on his terms. 

He left her like that, staring wordlessly at the ceiling, not really seeing. 

After he had left, she pulled herself up, catching her reflection in the full length mirror. She examined herself, observing the mosaic of pinks and reds against cream, the beginnings of browns and blues starting to spread. Thankfully she couldn’t see any that wouldn’t be covered by her uniform.

And she realised it was not him she had underestimated, it was herself. Her ability to enjoy what he did to her. She knew she needed to win the game, the stakes were too high. But despite her belief in her ability to deceive him, he had understood something about her that she had not. 

For when he hurt her, forced her to bend and submit and feel what he was doing, she felt alive again, just for a moment. The memory of something lost, something she could have again for brief moments. This deepest mark couldn’t be seen in the mirror. But she knew it was there.

She wasn’t sure who she despised more. Him for making her feel this way, or herself for wanting more.


	3. Deceptions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Mary S :)
> 
> Inspiration for this chapter - 'Not Enough' by Delain.
> 
> Kathryn’s thoughts are in italics.

It's not enough

How hard I try

It's not enough

To clear my mind

It's not enough

I'm the jury, I'm the judge

And I committed all the crimes

How hard I try

It's not enough

I walked away, and left you bleeding

As I kicked the mud off my feet

I lay on the ground and watched you leaving

My heart fights for every beat

~~~

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge.

She sat uncomfortably in the captain’s chair, again cursing the annoyance of Kashyk commandeering her ready room once more. They sat in silence, the air strained with the tension imposed by the constant vigilance of the Devore. Even the usually jovial Paris was subdued; the many inspections had taught them all that the easiest way to get through them was to avoid unnecessary attention.

Despite her anger at her body’s betrayal, she couldn’t deny that last night had been immeasurably valuable. While Kashyk had clearly delighted in his ability to convince her of his gentleness, his kindness, before ripping it away harshly with reality, Kathryn was confident that he had, unwittingly, revealed what she needed to know about him. Clearly, he had devoted a lot of time to the art of deception, and while she had mistrusted him before, she now understood how deep his dishonesty went. They could not trust anything he said, regardless of how sincere he appeared. It had been worth what had happened to know that. She would have to be extraordinarily careful if she wanted Voyager and its crew to pass through Devore space unharmed.

“Captain Janeway, report to your Ready room.”

When he summoned her, she knew at once what he wanted. In her quarters she was just Kathryn, he had made that quite clear. It wasn’t enough to have only her, he needed to have her as the Captain, to have her complete submission. There was nothing in his voice to suggest anything out of the ordinary, and after all he had always delighted in having her answer his summons for even the most minor of questions at every inspection. But she knew. A small thrill ran through her, but she ignored it.

Handing over the bridge to Chakotay, she could feel his eyes burning into her back as she complied with Kashyk’s order but she refused to look at him. She didn’t know exactly how much he had heard, but she knew it was enough. He could tell that today was different. Whether anyone else did, she was unsure, but it mattered little.

Kashyk was not alone. She passed one of his security guards as she entered but acted as though she had not seen him. He sat behind her desk, a smirk playing across his face as he surveyed her. Dark eyes raked over her body, imagining the marks he knew to be hidden under her uniform.

“Kathryn, I do hope you are well this morning. Did you have a restful night?”

He was using her name again, but it would take more than that to rile her today. Her eyes met his defiantly, challengingly. She continued to pointedly ignore his guard but he understood. He laughed.

“If I send him out, how would that look to your crew, Kathryn?”

A new game then, he wanted to see how uncomfortable he could make her. Upping the stakes before making her submit. She thought he might suspect that she too was using him, although to what end he was unsure. But it was the challenge that excited him, the thrill of outwitting her his only desire. He was more than willing to play the game as he tried to work her out.

_But I understand you better today, Kashyk_. _I know what to expect from you_.

There would be no repeat of yesterday’s softness. 

“Come here.” He slid back her chair but remained seated, spreading his legs to create room for her. She complied, moving around her desk until she stood between them. He pulled her down for a kiss, aware of how uncomfortable the awkward bent position was for her. She bit his lip, drawing blood, daring him to punish her for trying to maintain control over him. He did not disappoint.

Breaking the kiss, he turned her from him, roughly pushing her forward over her desk. She was still fully dressed but she felt him pulling down her pants just enough to open her to him.

“As much as I would love to see the beautiful marks on your body from last night, I don’t like others to see what’s mine.”

Another lie. Taking her like this, in her uniform on her desk was symbolic of his power over the fate of her ship, of her as Captain. One of his hands slid up her body until it found the nape of her neck, caressing gently before firmly gripping, turning her neck so his guard was within her vision.

“Keep your eyes open.” He didn’t want her to forget what he was doing to her, where he was doing it. For her to pretend they were alone. For a moment her eyes met that of the other Devoran. He seemed unashamed and unsurprised at what he was witnessing. So, this was a regular habit then. The thought did not reassure her.

Kashyk’s fingers flexed, increasing the pressure so she was tightly held down on the desk, unable to move. She might have felt helpless under his greater strength but it was not in her nature. She chose to be here. He might not realise it, but she was more in control than he was. He had his reasons and she hers, and neither would back down.

The sound of his zip undoing was all the warning she got before he spread her as wide as her clothes allowed and pushed fully into her in one thrust. She gasped, unconsciously tensing against the sudden intrusion. She was still sore from the night before, and not nearly ready for him yet, but she bit her lip to stop from crying out as he started a punishing rhythm, and soon the pain ebbed. She preferred it this way, pain she could deal with. She was more disturbed by the pleasure he had drawn from her last night, determined not to let herself enjoy this as much as she had yesterday, she had been dangerously close to losing control completely.

As though he had heard her thoughts, his free hand slid under her, finding her clit and stroking firmly, slightly harder than she would have liked but it was enough to start spreading warmth through her. She was finding it more difficult now to remain silent as he moved inside her.

The hand holding her down gently caressed the sensitive point behind her ear without releasing its hold. He leant forward over her, lips close to her ear. The change of angle drew a moan from her unwilling lips and his fingers sped up. She tried to push back against him, searching for more friction but he held her too firmly.

“Do you think they are imagining what we are doing in here, Captain? What would they think if they could see you?”

She bit her lip hard, ashamed to admit something in his words was sending desire through her, igniting the part of her that longed to finally be relieved from the pedestal she had unwillingly been trapped upon, forbidden to fall, refused the chance to be human. Kashyk smiled against the back of her neck, as though he could tell exactly what she was thinking.

“They would be shocked, wouldn’t they? Perfect Captain Janeway fucked over her desk, begging for release.”

“I do not beg Kashyk, especially not for you.” she hissed, harshly brought back to reality, forgetting her intention to keep him from getting under her skin. Forgetting he seemed to know how to make her do anything she didn’t want to. 

“No? If this isn’t what you want, why are you here? You’re an intelligent woman, you knew what to expect, but you obeyed my command the instant I called. Either there is something you expect to get from this, or you are here because _this_ is exactly what you want. And since we both know there is no arrangement between us in terms of Voyager’s safety, I can only conclude that you find pleasure in what I do to you. Isn’t that correct, Captain? ”

She refused to answer, but he could feel the tension in her body, her resistance, and he knew his words tormented her, forced her to see truths she had tried to ignore.

“Well, if you are determined not to enjoy yourself, there are always other ways to go about this.”

Suddenly his fingers were gone from her clit as the hand holding her down instead pulled her back by her hair, forcing her body to follow until she was pressed against his. The angle pushed him deeper into her, leaving her breathless. Pulling the neck of her uniform wide, scattering her pips across the floor and desk, he found her creamy neck and bit hard, drawing blood.

“I do so love seeing you like this, Kathryn, so much fire, and yet so….helpless.”

“And I hate you, Kashyk.” She forced out through gritted teeth, grunting at each brutal thrust as he increased his pace and ferocity. 

He laughed.

“You hate yourself, Kathryn. I’m merely the way you have chosen to punish yourself. And I am so happy to fulfil that need; though I must admit, Captain, I’m fascinated to know which sins you are trying to forget.”

She stilled, despite all his actions so far, she was unready for this blow. His words were too close to the truth, and she realised there were no secrets between them now, they understood each other. No pretence that this was anything other than a vicious battle for dominance. She knew she would have to let him win this fight, but victory would be hers in the end.

“So, what’ll it take Captain? If you won’t beg for me, then for who? Is my touch not enough? I’ve seen how you look at that First Officer of yours. Should I invite him in? See what he makes of you? After your performance last night, I’m sure he is desperate to see the woman hiding behind her captain’s mask.”

_This is what you deserve. You deserve his disgust._

“No!” It slipped out before she could help it, and again she cursed herself for the lapse in control. Kashyk seemed unnervingly good at finding and exploiting her weaknesses. Her relationship with Kashyk might have been for Chakotay’s benefit, but she couldn’t stand the thought of him seeing her like this. Kashyk had her and he knew it.

“Galaks, fetch me Commander Chakotay.”

“Don’t...” Real panic this time, real fear that he would actually do what he threatened. He didn’t seem like the type to delay his own pleasure, but then again, she knew he would enjoy her humiliation, perhaps enough for it to be worth the interruption.

“Wait...” his voice was lazy and full of triumph, as he seemingly considered whether he would stay the order. She closed her eyes, letting her head drop forward. “Kashyk, please...”

“As you wish.”

His deferral to her plea was nothing more than an illusion. They both knew she had been defeated.

Kathryn was glad she couldn’t see his face. But she could feel his delight in his hands as they slipped under her uniform, stroking her back, her stomach, her breasts. She didn’t protest when one hand slid back down to touch her, circling almost gently as he worked her back into a frenzy.

There was no way to regain control of this encounter, so she did the only thing she could. She let go. Again, she surrendered to that place where there was only pleasure and pain, and she knew no difference between the two, she only knew she didn’t want it to stop.

Arching under his touch, she pressed back against him, one hand still touching her sensitive clit, while the other moved from one breast to the other, rolling and pinching her peaked nipples without mercy. She could barely hear the obscenities he was whispering in her ear, she was close, so close…

And then he paused, still buried deep inside her, hands still on her body but offering nothing. She whimpered, but his firm hold offered no opportunity for her relief.

“Say it.”

She shook her head, tears of frustration in her eyes. She knew this would happen but was helpless to stop it. Clenching tightly around him, she tried to force him into action. She felt him shiver but he resisted the urge to move.

“I’m ending this now, one way or another, Janeway. I won’t ask again. I don’t think you want to push me.”

“Finish it.” She managed to choke out.

Instantly he was moving again, hand pinching her tender nipples and soothing them with cool palms. She met his hard thrusts with equal vigour until once more he sent her over the edge.

A moment later she was surprised to feel him pulling out, clearly still aroused.

“I don’t have time to waste on a shower, and I don’t want to sit here in uncomfortable sticky clothes, which will happen if we continue like this. Get on your knees, I want you to finish me with your mouth.”

She didn’t even think as she complied. It didn’t take long to bring him to climax, he was still riding the thrill of his victory.

“See, so much more practical, I almost feel clean.” He laughed as she rose to her feet, clearly waiting to see if he was done with her.

“As you were, _Captain_.” She collected her pips, pinning them back in place. She didn’t look at him as she rearranged her uniform and straightened her hair before leaving.

Her face must have been flushed but no one looked at her as she re-entered the bridge. 

_They all know. The only talk around the ship today will be how much of a whore the Captain is._

Even Chakotay was pointedly looking at his console as she took her seat. But they were in such close proximity, she was sure he would feel the heat rushing off her, pick up the scent of her actions. She forced a satisfied smile onto her face, as though she was quite content. His eyes were almost accusatory as he looked at her, she could practically feel the anger he was refusing to show. Good. She ignored him and added another scar to her heart. She had won in the end. 

But it didn’t feel like victory. 

***************

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge. Betrayal. 

Kathryn was not happy.

When she arrived on the bridge this morning, Tuvok had informed her that a few of the crew had been isolated due to symptoms of infection following their most recent shore leave a few days ago, and the Doctor was concerned it might be infectious. She had already been on the way to sickbay when the Doctor contacted her to request an urgent meeting. 

She should have known better but she wasn’t expecting physicals to start until next month, and her suspicions had therefore not been raised. As soon as she had arrived at sickbay to find out about this ‘contagious infection’, however, she had been lured in and informed in no uncertain terms she was getting her physical today.

Every year she had the same battle to elude her physical as long as possible; the Doctor just didn’t seem to understand she had far more important things to be getting on with. Besides, she was perfectly capable of understanding her own needs, and he always seemed to fuss over nothing.

Usually she was fairly successful, but this time it seemed the Doctor had gotten the drop on her. Still, she wasn’t giving in that easily.

“I’m due on the brid-“

“Commander Tuvok is currently in charge of the bridge, and he is not expecting you back for another hour.”

They were clearly in this together.

_Traitors._

“You do realise how unethical it is to lie to your Captain about a contagious disease that doesn’t exist, don’t you?”

“Well, if you would just comply with the very reasonable demand of one check-up per year, I wouldn’t need to go to such lengths. You should be setting an example to the crew that health is just as important as work. Besides, I think you’ll find that I never said anything to you about an infection when I asked you to come here, you assumed based on the information you received on the bridge. ”

Frustratingly, as she thought back she realised he was technically correct, although she had no doubt that this plan had been engineered between the two of them, even if Tuvok was the one doing the actual misleading. Sighing, she realised the quickest way out of here was to get it over with. Despite being able to complete all the tests with no issue, she could feel the doctors disapproving eyes surveying her.

“Have you been sleeping normally?”

“Yes.”

He raised an eyebrow and looked at her unblinkingly.

“Normal for a human, Captain, not what you seem to consider normal.”

“My sleep is adequate. “ It was an obvious lie, and after years of working with her, the Doctor clearly saw through it.

“If you would only let me give you a sedative, perhaps if we restored your normal sleep pattern it would-“

“No sedatives. I’m fine. I know what my body needs.” And the absolute last thing she needed was to be trapped in her nightmares, unable to wake herself. She had made that mistake once before, and the resulting torture had felt endless, clawing at her sanity until she was sure she would lose her mind completely. When she woke, it was the closest she had ever been to giving up, and it had taken weeks before she felt remotely like herself again. He just didn’t understand that sometimes, no sleep was better, and there was not a single thing he could say that would convince her to change her mind. Sensing a lost cause, he moved on to his next concern.

“Have you been eating and drinking properly?”

“Yes.”

“You know I don’t count coffee as food, don’t you?”

“I’m a goddamn adult, I know how to look after myself. Must we go through this farce every year?” She snapped at him, patience worn thin now. 

“Captain, your heart rate is significantly raised, and due to the lack of other causes, I can only attribute it to your inordinate consumption of caffeine.”

“My heart rate is high because my doctor and my head of security told me we had an infectious disease spreading through the ship, which is obviously very concerning, only for me to find out it was a lie and be forced through this stressful experience when I have better things to be doing! I’m sure at any other time my heart-“

“Heart rate aside,” he interrupted loudly, “you’ve lost nearly 10% of your body weight since your last physical, which is particularly concerning considering you were already underweight for your height. You might recall your physical last year where you had also lost weight, although thankfully not so much, when I warned you of the potentially serious damage that can occur due to long periods of under nutrition. I had hoped after our talk, you might have taken remembering to eat a bit more seriously, but apparently not. You really are giving me no option but to monitor your replicator logs to ensu-“

But Kathryn had had enough, and she sprang off the bed in anger. It was time to put this ludicrous behaviour to an end, her fury at being treated like a child overriding her other emotions. 

“Computer, deactivate emergency medical hologram. Privacy seal sickbay for the next five minutes.”

Moving to the computer panel, she spent a few minutes making the minor adjustments needed, before moving back to the bed.

“Computer, delete records of any modifications made to the emergency medical hologram’s program in the last five minutes.” She paused, and as an afterthought added “and restrict access to the captain only for the replicator logs for the captain’s quarters and ready room. If any attempts are made to access these logs, notify Kathryn Janeway. Authorisation code Janeway-Four-Seven-One-Gamma.”

“Records deleted. Access to specified replicator logs are now restricted.”

“Reactivate emergency medical hologram.”

The Doctor reappeared, seemingly none the wiser about his brief absence.

“Well, Captain, everything looks fine again this year. I don’t know why you are so set on dragging the process out when it always goes so smoothly...”

But Kathryn was already on her way out the door. There was very little she could do to a hologram in the way of chastisement, but Tuvok was going to regret his part in this deception. Perhaps Neelix would like an assistant for the next few weeks.

It never occurred to her to wonder why the thought of someone monitoring her replicator filled her with such unease.


	4. Darkest Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Mary S for all the help!
> 
> Kathryn’s thoughts are in italics.
> 
> Inspiration for this chapter - 'All that I'm living for' by Evanescence

I can feel the night beginning

Separate me from the living

Understanding me

After all I've seen

Piecing every thought together

Find the words to make me better

If I only knew how to pull myself apart

All that I'm living for

All that I'm dying for

All that I can't ignore alone at night

All that I'm wanted for

Although I wanted more

Lock the last open door,

My ghosts are gaining on me

I believe that dreams are sacred

Take my darkest fears and play them

Like a lullaby

Like a reason why

Like a play of my obsessions

Make me understand the lesson

So I'll find myself

So I won't be lost again

~~~

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge. Brig. 

Kathryn lay on the bunk, mind rapidly running through options.

Her own predicament was of little concern; this was far from the worst place she had been imprisoned. And besides, she was so much older now, so much more used to dealing with whatever misery life threw at her. Whatever happened to her, she knew she would survive, just as she always had. But she was deeply concerned about what was happening to her crew. She didn’t want to believe any of them would hurt anyone, but it was impossible to know just how far this control extended, how far it could push them. Her fear that, even if she could somehow manage to get them back, their actions would exact a heavy price on them psychologically. 

She didn’t look up as an armed guard entered the Brig.

“The Captain wants to see you. Get up.” He deactivated the force field as she sat up, but did not stand.

“I am the captain. This is not you, it’s Teero. We need to stop this.” She wasn’t expecting the sharp sting of his hand but she continued as though it hadn’t occurred.

“The war is over, there are no Maquis. You are all my crew, we all work together and look out for each other.”

He didn’t reply as he grasped her upper arm roughly and pulled her to her feet, starting to drag her towards the corridor. She jerked her arm out of his reach.

“I can walk myself, thank you.” she snapped.

~~~

Chakotay was waiting in her ready room with Tuvok. She stumbled slightly as her escort pushed her over the threshold.

“Janeway for you, Captain.”

Kathryn stared defiantly at Chakotay. He frowned as though he was displeased to see her, despite his ordering her presence.

“What happened to her face? I told you not to hurt her.” He ran a finger over her presumably flushed cheek as though in a trance. She didn’t flinch, but he jerked away, dazed.

“She refused to see you, Captain.” Kathryn glared at this bend of the truth but said nothing. None of them were themselves right now. 

“Be that as it may, I will not stand for my direct orders being disobeyed. Do not let it happen again.”

“Aye, Captain.” he muttered as he left.

Chakotay looked at Tuvok appraisingly, before drawing his own phaser, and passing it to the Vulcan. “We have a small crew. I have to be able to trust everyone, especially my tactical officer. Consider this a test of your loyalty. It's set to kill.”

Kathryn’s eyes widened. She hadn’t feared death for a long time, indeed was better acquainted with that part of her that longed for it. But she had never imagined it would be dealt by the two she most trusted.

“You said you wouldn't hurt anyone,” she growled at Chakotay. “Tuvok, you're in control of your actions. Not Chakotay, not Teero. Don't do this.” She watched as he slowly raised the phaser until it pointed directly at where her heart would be. 

_He won’t find anything there, will he?_

She refused to close her eyes, staring straight at Chakotay, wondering who would blink first. And then Tuvok pressed the button.

But nothing happened.

“This phaser is defective.”

“You passed. Tuvok, I want to talk to Janeway alone, can you give us a moment? We’ve still got some tactical issues to review, please wait until we are done. I’ll let you know when I’m ready for you.”

Tuvok nodded, glancing at the Captain for a moment before brushing past her on the way out.

“Why do you always have to make everything so difficult for yourself, Janeway?” He sighed.

“Captain Janeway, Commander.”

His eyes hardened. “I am Captain now and you better get used to that quickly. This is a Maquis vessel. I don’t have time for your disobedience.”

“What is your plan for us then, _Captain_?” Her words were low, and no doubt if Chakotay had been in his right mind, he would have recognised the danger she made no attempt to keep out of her voice.

“I’m going to do what you don’t seem to care about doing, I’m going to get us home. We are not going to continue to ignore opportunities to cut our journey short because of your damn ‘prime directive’. No more wasting time by stopping for every single space anomaly.”

“There are nearly 150 crew, how long do you think you can keep the peace if you never stop, never give anyone a break? In case you have forgotten, we are still thirty-five thousand lightyears from home. I don’t think you understand how long the journey would feel with nothing to distract from the reality of our situation. Despite what you might think, these stops aren’t because I personally need to see ‘every single space anomaly’; our people need a purpose beyond work, to make this journey and still live some sort of life. ”

“My people need to get home. As for yours, we will be relocating the Starfleet crew to the nearest ‘M’ class planet. I’m sure you will have plenty of time to find a ‘purpose’ there.”

“How exactly do you plan to run this ship with so few crew? You know as well as I do that you need us.”

“B’Elanna will find a way.”

“She won’t. It’s not possible. Why don’t you let those who want to stay do so?”

He laughed. “I’d prefer not to have to sleep with one eye open for your Starfleet pups.”

She looked at him softly, trying to find a way to get through to him. Her defiance certainly didn’t seem to be helping. Maybe if she could remind him of who he was. The real Chakotay would never have abandoned anyone here, not even Seska.

“Everyone just wants to get home, Chakotay. Can you live with knowing they will never see their families again because you left them behind?”

“My responsibility is to the Maquis crew. Then again...” he paused for a moment, as though thinking how to put his thoughts into words. “It would be easier with more people. But I have no guarantee that you wouldn’t attempt to take control at the first opportunity. Perhaps... perhaps you and I could work something out together, something to prove I could trust you…”

She flushed and her breath caught, knowing exactly what he was thinking, unable to prevent her heart from racing. Suddenly faced by the deepest desire she had fought so hard to suppress, wanting more than anything to accept what he offered.

If she refused, he could overpower her if he wanted to. But she didn’t think he would. He was still in there somewhere.

If she agreed, well there was no good outcome. He could only draw one of two conclusions. 

He could realise she still loved him but would come to him for what she couldn’t have only when he had no control. Or he could believe he had forced her into a corner with his threat to the safety of the crew. That she had no choice. It would destroy him. 

She would have to find another option. If things became desperate, if they really did try to leave them on a planet, maybe she would revisit this, but not until then. Not until there was no other choice.

“No.”

“No?” His voice was filled with surprise. “You would rather sacrifice your whole crew for your pride? Do they mean so little to you?”

That hurt. 

Her freedom for that of the whole crew was an easy choice, and if it was any other circumstances, she would have agreed without a second thought. But it was Chakotay, even if he wasn’t himself. She still believed they could find a way to get him back, get them all back, and she had no idea what, if anything, they would remember of their actions.

“If I thought it would work, I would gladly do whatever it took to ensure their safety. But it wouldn’t, they wouldn’t believe it.”

“Have it your way then, I’ll drop you off at the nearest ‘M’ class planet as discussed.”

She took a step towards him. “Fight this, Chakotay, please listen to me. It’s Kathryn, I am not your enemy. We are friends.”

“Kathryn,” he whispered, as though it was a word he had long forgotten, but knew it had meaning for him. Meeting his eyes, she willed him to see her, to know who she was, who he was.

“You could stay, you know. We don’t have to leave you with the rest. Give me your allegiance, I’m sure we could find a place for you. You might enjoy working under me.” Touching her hair, he suddenly pulled her into a kiss. Her eyes closed, too surprised to stop him. She could feel the warmth of his lips against hers, gently pressing for entrance. His hands found her hips, pulling her close to him. She could feel his fingertips burning her through her uniform, and she knew she needed his hands everywhere. For a moment he was the only thing in her world, and she felt at peace.

But as quickly as it came, it was gone. It wasn’t him. It was the hardest thing she had ever done, but she pushed him away.

“No, Chakotay. I won’t abandon my crew.”

“Then we are done here.” For a second, she saw in his eyes the anger he had tried so hard to leave behind, inhibitions removed by Teero’s power over him. He was furious at her refusal. “You’re wrong, _Kathryn_ , I do realise exactly how long this journey is; I’ve known it since the moment you decided you didn’t care about a single person on this ship. I should have listened to B’Elanna. It was the wrong choice to destroy the array. If anyone is stuck out here, it’s because of you.” He turned from her, hitting his badge as he returned to her desk. 

“Take her back to the brig. Send Tuvok in.”

He didn’t look at her as they took her away.

He didn’t see the haunted look in her eyes as she heard him voice her deepest fear.

~~~

“I thought you might like your ship back.”

“No more rebellion?”

“It took another mind meld with Tuvok, but I'm fine.”

“It’s good to have you back, Commander.” Her words were laced with a coolness she had not intended. It wasn’t easy to forget what he had said in his anger, how his understanding of her had let him pick out exactly what would hurt her the most. It didn’t matter that he didn’t mean it, that he would take it back in an instant if he could. The damage was done. Though the attack itself had stemmed from the control exerted over him, she knew that what he actually said came from him. That, buried deep down where he had thought he could keep it from her, a small part of him resented the choice she had made.

Compared to how she had hurt him, she knew it was nothing. But he had been the last barrier between her and her belief that she had made the wrong choice. The one who had always tried to convince her it was the right thing to do. She had wanted to believe him, but she had always doubted. And now she knew she was not the only one.

“Kathryn…”

_He remembers._

“Don’t.” Her tone was sharp, firmly in command mode. He knew there was no point pushing the issue. Once he wouldn’t have given in so easily, but their friendship was more tenuous these days. They had lost the easy connection, something he deeply regretted. But she had made the boundaries very clear, and he was afraid to lose what little they still had left.

“It wasn’t you. I’m fine.” Kathryn didn’t meet his eyes as she spoke.

Chakotay opened his mouth to reply, but she left before he could say another word.

They both knew she wasn’t.

***************

“Not only is it a breach of privacy to use another person’s image in the holodeck without their expressed permission, Seven, it is also entirely inappropriate to then use said image for the purpose of pursuing a romantic relationship. Does the Commander know you are visiting a holo-version of him?”

“No, Captain.”

“I expect you to delete this program. You will not create any further programs using the personal specifications of anyone aboard Voyager, is that clear?”

“I will comply. My actions were unacceptable, it will not happen again.”

“Good. Might I make a suggestion, Seven? If you are interested in pursuing a relationship with the Commander, perhaps it would be more efficient to ask him to spend time with you instead of engaging the holodeck.”

Seven looked confused.

“That is a valid observation. However, I was under the impression that the Commander was unavailable. It is common belief amongst the crew that you and he have feelings for one another. Is this not correct?”

_If you weren’t so weak, your desires wouldn’t be so plain for all to see. I wonder what they say, how do they think you like it, Kathryn? What do they imagine every time you are both in your ready room together?_

Kathryn sighed and shook her head, trying to focus on the conversation at hand, the conversation she had been dreading. She had known what she would have to do from the moment she learned about Seven’s program but that didn’t make it any easier.

_Go ahead, tell her the truth, she couldn’t possibly think less of you. Tell her how you broke his heart, and yet can’t get the thought of him fucking you out of your mind. How you touch yourself and think of him. Still dream he could love someone as broken as you._

“No,” She lied, trying to keep her voice even, free from emotion. “It is not true.”

“Then perhaps I will accept your suggestion. He does have many admirable qualities.”

“Yes, he does. I wish you luck, Seven, it is commendable to see you embracing your humanity.

“Thank you.”

“Dismissed. Oh, and Seven? On a ship this size there are a lot of rumours. Try not to put too much faith in them.”

“In the collective, there were no rumours; our thoughts were as one. Humans are so disorganised; it is very confusing.”

“Welcome to being human, Seven. Everything is confusing.”

***************

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge.

Today was harder than most. Another decision she made had resulted in the injury of three crew members, fortunately no fatalities. Again, she wondered how long she could keep going, every call she made always wrong. She was unfit to remain Captain, but no one would say it.

_Not to your face. They say it when you can’t hear._

She knew her judgment was impaired, and inevitably she would do or say something that hurt more than just a few people. As she had once before, during their time in the void, she considered whether she should step back, and hand Voyager to Chakotay. But she knew he needed more time to invest in his new relationship; to pass command to him now would smother it before it could take root. So, she accepted the burden of her actions without question. Every injury, every death left their mark but better her than him, for as long as she could manage.

_They wouldn’t have died if he was Captain. Are you really waiting for his sake, or are you just afraid to let go?_

She needed to banish her thoughts, so instead of sleep, she visited the place that gave her peace. New Earth. Well, not really, but the holodeck was the best she could do. She didn’t notice the cooling temperature as the evening turned to night, her tasks lit by lamps as she was kept warm by her activity. She toiled all night, vigorously weeding and tilling and planting until the only thoughts in her mind were the feel of the soil, and the agony of her aching limbs. Good. Pain was something she could focus on, hold on to for a bit longer. Recently it had been her companion more frequently than not, and she appreciated how it was able to ground her.

She really should have thanked Kashyk for showing her how pain brought its own form of blissful ignorance. She wasn’t sure she could have lasted this long without it.

_You should have gone with him, stayed in Devore space. He could have punished you the way you deserve. Voyager would have been better off without you._

She stopped as dawn broke, finally heading back to her quarters. Her alarm was going off as she entered. An hour until she was on duty.

Wash. Coffee. Bridge.

***************

The quarters were in darkness, completely silent. Anyone looking in would assume that they were empty, but they weren’t.

Again, she had been driven from her sleep by nightmares. She knew she needed to get up, go to the Holodeck and burn off her memories in pain and toil. But she was just so tired. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept without dreaming.

Against her will, she slipped back into sleep.

The nightmares restarted immediately.

Drowsily she tried to pull herself back to consciousness but she was exhausted, gaining awareness but limited control as her body just couldn’t supply the energy she needed. In her distress she couldn’t orient herself, mind still under the fog of her nightmares.

As she tried to leave her bed, she was struck by deep fear, stumbling to the floor. She could taste blood where she had split her lip. Eyes darting around, she scrambled to the dark corner where she could put her back to the wall and see the whole room. Breathing shakily, she clutched a hand to her mouth, trying to stop any sounds escaping. She knew, somehow, that what she saw was not really there but was helpless to stop it. Smokey figures sliding through the shadows as she tried to hide herself. Eventually she forced her eyes closed, trying to shut out what she could see.

The noises became overwhelming as her nightmares tried to take over her other senses, a confusing cacophony assaulting her mind. The soft carpet beneath her replaced with cold stone. Forceful voices asking her questions, questions she wouldn’t answer even if she had known what they wanted to know. Trying to drown out the screams she could hear with the sound of her own voice, her name repeated over and over.

She could smell burning. Her skin was on fire, but she was shivering, remembering the sensation of being plunged into ice cold water, the panic of trying to escape the confined space before it was too late. No time left to do anything but watch helplessly. She wanted to scream, maybe she _was_ screaming, she wasn’t sure anymore. And then…

“Kathryn...” a whisper, sneaking into her thoughts.

_It’s not real, it’s not real…_

“Kathryn...” The voice was louder now.

She opened her eyes and saw a dark form by the door. She couldn’t see the face but she would recognise him anywhere.

“Chakotay?” Why was he here? Had he come to help her?

“I heard you screaming.” His voice was low, uncharacteristically cold. “What are you doing?”

She shook her head, unable to speak.

“There’s nothing here, Kathryn, what is wrong with you?”

She didn’t want him to see her like this, to know how weak she was. But she was so alone, and so scared, and she needed him; she could feel her mind slipping, losing the last of her control.

“Help me...” she whimpered.

He didn’t move.

“You said you didn’t want my help, Kathryn. I wanted to help you but you pushed me away. You used me, hurt me, left me as soon as you had the opportunity. I loved you.”

Tears were streaming now and she tried to turn, she couldn’t bear this from him, not now.

“Tears, Kathryn? If I thought you had a heart, I might believe them. But we both know better than that, don’t we?”

“I’m sorry, Chakotay, I’m so sorry…”

“This is what you wanted, to be alone. So, deal with it on your own.”

“I can’t, please, Chakotay...”

“Look at you. You are not fit to look after Voyager, you can’t even look after yourself. You’re pathetic, Kathryn.”

Her head dropped. It was his voice, but they were her thoughts. He wasn’t really there.

But it seemed so real, she could feel him as he moved forward, crouching before her, forcing her chin up with his hand to look into his shadowy face.

“I should thank you. You were right, I didn’t know how damaged you were. You don’t deserve my heart, and I deserve someone better than you. And I’ve found her.”

Dropping her face, he moved toward the door. Through her tears she could see him greeting another shadow, pulling her into the room so she could see them both, hear their laughter as they watched her sobbing alone.

“No… I do love you, Chakotay, please go, please don’t do this to me…”

“Should we leave?” His unconcerned voice filled with amusement.

“No. She is irrelevant.”

Their forms pressed close to each other, lips meeting, soft noises of pleasure. Curling as tightly as she could make herself, she covered her ears, closed her eyes, trying to shut them out but she could still see them, his dark hands on her pale skin, feel their delight at her suffering.

She was barely aware of time passing as the night seemed to stretch forever. Finally, her alarm cut through the noise, a tether to reality.

“Lights 100%.” she whispered, shaking her head, trying to calm her racing pulse as she looked around, her rooms now blissfully empty.

She avoided the mirror; she knew how she would look. She showered an extra ten minutes, temperature raised above the recommended maximum. The scouring heat washed away the memories of the night, and her skin was flushed bright when she finished, giving her the illusion of vitality.

She fixed her lip with the dermal regenerator she had taken from sickbay so long ago, before dressing and heading towards the bridge. It was going to be a difficult day.

But she knew there were worse ones to come.

***************

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Wedding.

“You can do this”, she whispered over and over to herself, like it could bring peace to her racing heart. 

Like it would stop her feeling the tears she couldn’t let fall.

Like she wasn’t about to give him to Seven.


	5. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A final thanks to Mary S, who kindly read this through several changes, and for all the crucial input to get it to its final form. It would have been a far poorer story without you. 
> 
> Kathryn’s thoughts are in italics.
> 
> Inspiration for this chapter - 'Breathe no More' by Evanescence.

I've been looking in the mirror for so long

That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side

All the little pieces falling, shatter

Shards of me

Too sharp to put back together

Too small to matter

But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces

If I try to touch her

And I bleed

I bleed

And I breathe

I breathe no more

~~~

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Bridge.

She could do it in her sleep, if she was able to sleep for more than a few hours, that is.

Every day like the last. Outwardly, nothing changed, but each day, it grew harder to keep going. Seeing them together didn’t help. The bitter agony of what she herself had pushed to make happen, what she needed to let him go.

She had thought his happiness would be enough. Had hoped if she could truly let him go, she might be strong enough to keep going, to put the last fragments of her dreams behind her, and exist only to get them home. But she hadn’t been ready for just how much it hurt, despite all she had gone through.

_You should know better by now, know how selfish you are. You can’t bear to see him happy without you. Happy as he could never be with you..._

For so many years, she had believed her heart was already gone, but she had miscalculated. It was still there, dying cell by cell every time she saw him, saw her, saw _them_. Unlike physical pain, this ache brought no relief, just an increasing weight on her chest, on her shoulders as she fought to keep facing each new day as it came.

Barely a single night passed without her nightmares waking Kathryn. Now a blend of her worst memories and her darkest imaginations, the two combined almost seamlessly in her mind until she struggled to tell them apart. She no longer bothered trying to sleep at the end of the day, instead choosing to head straight to the holodeck where she furiously worked until her mind was clear, and her aching body overwhelmed the pain in her heart. Only when she could barely stand, completely exhausted by her exertion, would she retreat to her quarters to risk sleep for the few hours that remained of the night.

***************

As she dressed, Kathryn noted how her ribs seemed more prominent on her petite frame, barely aware anymore of any indication her body gave of its hunger.

Always having been more concerned with throwing herself fully into work, she was long accustomed to working many hours without a break, and this had naturally extended into her night’s activities. But over time, her demanding routine was clearly wearing her down; the energy required for the twenty or so hours of consciousness she put herself through was simply not being met by the little she remembered to eat.

She was so accustomed to pain by now that she wasn’t sure when it started to persist through her days, not waiting for the next night’s work to reassert itself over her. But what did she expect, spending night after night occupied in strenuous physical exertion? In some ways, it was a relief, a distraction; after all, was that not the point of her actions? To force out any emotions or feelings except pain and exhaustion, to clear her mind enough to allow her at least a few hours of rest. If she had let herself acknowledge it rationally, she would have understood that the pain she felt was not simply that of tired muscles, but a sign her body was pushed far beyond its limits. Despite the clear indications of the damage she was doing to herself, she subconsciously brushed it away to the back of her mind, the endless stream of coffee she subsisted on giving her the false feeling of energy.

She no longer even bothered with the charade of attending her annual physicals, instead entering the data she wished to be recorded directly from her quarters. In her mind, she told herself this was a logical step; the least wasted time, considering that her presence in sickbay would make no difference to the outcome. But the reality was that after all this time, it was impossible to deny that the Doctor was a person, and what she once considered merely a slight change in data was really a manipulation of his memory. Despite being unwilling to change her actions, she couldn’t escape the pang of shame, and at least in her own quarters, she was spared the physical presence of the Doctor reminding her of her guilt.

She pulled on a couple of T-shirt’s under her uniform, bulking her body out a bit. Better. She couldn’t deal with anyone’s concern today. Not much she could do about her tired eyes, but after so many years in the Delta quadrant, everyone knew about her frequent insomnia. It was unlikely anyone would comment.

***************

Kathryn let the hot water burn over her body, rubbing harshly and without concern for how sensitive her skin was becoming. The uncomfortable feeling slowly grew more intense until the water was almost painful on the raw areas she was scrubbing.  
  
 _You can’t wash it off…_

She had known it was a hazardous mission. Chakotay had had the best chance of success, they had all known it. His Maquis and Starfleet experience made him perfect for infiltration. But when Harry had put himself forward, begged her to let him go with Chakotay for the chance to show how far he had come, she had found herself unable to say no. The mission didn’t require two people, but, she had rationalised, what could it hurt? Besides, with the two of them, they could look after one another. 

Harry had always wanted her to be proud of him, been desperate to prove himself. While she had always tried to ensure the junior officers had the opportunity to develop, this mission had been too dangerous; if she had asked herself honestly, she had known he was not ready. But she sent him anyway, telling herself he had earned the chance.

Chakotay had clearly felt the mission would be less risky alone, but she had reminded him that regulations clearly stated away missions should not be undertaken alone except in exceptional circumstances. When he had countered that regulations didn’t exactly cover this scenario, she had brushed him off. Her decision was final, and short of actively disobeying her orders, there was little he could do about it. 

Looking back, she knew Chakotay had been right; she should have sent him alone. 

Of course, when neither of them arrived at their check-in point on time, they were all worried. Kathryn had already been in the process of arranging an away team when, five minutes later, Chakotay had made it, limping and with minor bleeding. They had been ambushed, somehow their real identities had been discovered, and they had been forced to separate in order to get back. Harry had taken the shorter route, and Chakotay was clearly alarmed that he had not yet arrived. He immediately felt the best option was for him to return and search whereas she wanted to send the away team due to his injuries. She hadn’t voiced that she suspected Chakotay might have more serious injuries than he was letting on, but the implication was clearly there. Concerned about the extra time this would take, Chakotay had raised his objections but once more, Kathryn had overridden him and ordered him to return to the ship. It took a further five minutes before the away team was ready to beam to the surface to look for Harry. 

Unfortunately, by then it had been too late.

_You killed him!_

Eventually her tears ran out, and when she could take no more, she finally turned off the water, stepping out of the shower, attention unconsciously drawn to the mirror.

Her reflection stared back at her, eyes cutting into her own with malicious anger.

_You should have listened to Chakotay! He didn’t want a second person on this mission in the first place, and you ignored him._ _If you had listened, Harry wouldn’t have been there at all. When he tried to tell you it was too risky to wait for an away team, you pulled rank, despite him knowing the situation better. There was a chance he could have saved him, but you didn’t take it. It’s your fault he’s dead._

There was no point denying it. There had been several moments at which she could have made a different choice, each one an opportunity to prevent what happened, but she had been so fixed on her course of action. Why?

_Chakotay. You never wanted to send him, but you knew it had to be him._

Had she agreed so easily to Harry’s request because she thought he deserved the chance? Or was the real reason something much worse; had she simply jumped at the chance to have someone there to watch Chakotay’s back?

_How fortunate to have so many expendable crew members, Kathryn, it wouldn’t do for your favourites to be at risk._

She shook her head angrily, trying to dispel the voice she didn’t want to hear. A Captain shouldn’t have favourites, she knew, but indisputably Harry had been hers. And even that hadn’t been enough to stop her sending him unnecessarily into danger. She would never forget what she had done. 

_You remember now, but what about tomorrow, next week, next year? How soon until he joins the ranks of nameless faces you have sent to their deaths, whose names you no longer remember?_

“That’s not true, I remember them all…every death…every injury...”

_And that makes it alright? It doesn’t matter that you put them in danger, left them to die?_

“It wasn’t like that, I tried to protect them…”

_Not well enough. It’s your fault, Kathryn, you brought them here, then trapped them. You sent them out on the missions they never returned from. You are responsible for them, and you failed them._

“I know. I know it’s my fault. Please, stop. I know.”

_I’m you, Kathryn. If you want me to stop, you know what you have to do._

“Go! Just…go! Leave me alone!” 

_No._

She smashed her fists against the mirror in her anger and despair, and finally her taunting reflection shattered. Small shards of glass fell from the mirror where her hands had hit, sending cracks across the whole pane, splintering her image into dozens of smaller parts. 

Hands still pressed to the broken mirror, she sobbed over the sink as blood trickled from both fists. As her breathing calmed and she forced her emotions down, she looked up at the remnants of the mirror.

For the first time in months, maybe years, she saw herself, her true self, instead of the thought of herself she had seen in her cruel mirror double, and she was shocked by what she saw.

She could barely recognise herself. 

How could this person she saw be her? Everything about her was somehow smaller, fragile. Empty. There was no life in her eyes, no fire or desire for any of the pleasure of the world she had once held dear. She was someone who had given up, her mind and soul as divided as her body’s reflection was. Her hand unfurled from the tightly clenched fist as she reached out to run her fingers along her reflection, taking in every bruise she had refused to notice, every angular bone that should never have been visible. For a moment, it was like she was her old self again as she felt a wash of clarity spreading through her.

What was she doing to herself?

Had she forgotten her responsibility to the ship, to all the people she had promised to get home? For the first time she realised just how far she had gone, how in her drive to keep going for them she had lost her way, inadvertently pushing herself towards the end she had been fighting so hard to avoid.

_I need help._

But she had no idea how to get it. No idea how to stop pushing herself, to stop going down this path she had walked alone for so long. No longer understanding how to rely on someone other than herself for anything, having pushed away any attempts to get closer to her.

As though in a trance, she washed her hands, removing the glass fragments as carefully as possible. Tearing strips of fabric from her towels, she bound her hands tightly. The pain increased, but at least the bleeding stopped. She deserved the pain, she wouldn’t use the dermal regenerator.

At least her reflection was finally silent.

_I’m always here, Kathryn, there is nothing you can do to keep me away. Nothing you can do to wash their blood from your hands. What point is there in trying to change? Just let go. Everyone would be better without you._

With a deep breath, she raised her head firmly, meeting her own eyes, a tiny flicker of fire visible in them once more.

“No.”

She was not going to give in. It might already be too late, but she was going to try.

All she needed was a plan, some way to start the difficult conversation.

***************

Wake. Wash. Coffee. Wait.

Sitting in her darkened quarters, completely silent, Kathryn watched as the seconds ticked down until it was time. It would be soon, she was sure. Everyone else would already be on or approaching the bridge by now, but she could hear him dashing about next door.

She knew she needed to speak to him on his own, and she had to do it as Kathryn, not the Captain, who no longer knew how to ask for help or how to accept it. So that restricted her to when she was off duty. The problem was that if she was off duty, he was almost certainly on, and catching him alone was next to impossible. So she had tampered with his alarm, ensuring he would wake too late to leave on time. She tried not to feel guilty as she heard his frantic movements as he rushed to get ready.

She moved closer to her door, listening for his feet passing. She waited the longest 30 seconds of her life before following him, walking quickly to catch up. 

“Chakotay, do you have a moment?” Her nerves, usually so under control, were showing, leaving her slightly out of breath. She hoped he put it down to running after him.

“Captain, I thought you were off duty today? I’m on my way to the bridge but if it’s quick? I’m running a little late this morning.” 

_He can’t wait to get away from you._

She didn’t let her disappointment show on her face. She had predicted he would feel obliged to hurry to the bridge with her being off shift, but it reminded her of how far apart they had grown, what they had lost. Once he had always been able to make time for her. But then she supposed since she was the one that had made them put work before their personal relationship, she could hardly fault him for taking his responsibilities seriously.

“Of course, Commander, I’ll keep it brief.” Kathryn nodded and fell into step with him, unconsciously mirroring his use of her title rather than her name.

Watching him from the corner of her eye, trying not to make it obvious how much she wanted to look at him. As he entered the turbolift, she considered sticking her arm out, blocking the door and preventing it from taking him away. She smiled as he looked at her, waiting for the doors to close.

_Haven’t you done enough damage? Can’t you just leave him alone?_

Understandably, Chakotay had taken Harry’s death hard. Despite it clearly being her fault, her orders which he had followed, she knew he was blaming himself for not putting up more of a fight. She had done her best to reassure him of this, but she had no power to remove the weight from his shoulders.

“I…” She opened her mouth, trying to get the words out, to let him know she needed help, she needed him. But she could see how on edge he was from being late, and she felt guilty once more. Her words disintegrated along with her last remainders of hope as she took in his exhausted eyes. His mind was clearly weighed down by his many responsibilities, and she knew she couldn’t burden him further with her own difficulties. No, she would just have to deal with this herself, she had always managed before. With a gentle shake of her head, she closed her mouth.

“I… I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry for not listening to you. I know it doesn’t change what happened, but I’m here if you want to talk…”

_Why would he want your help? You did this to him._

He nodded, but she could tell he hadn’t really taken it in, his mind already on the bridge, her presence almost forgotten. In that moment, Chakotay had, through his inadvertent act of indifference, unintentionally managed something that Kashyk had never achieved, in spite of his best efforts. Despite the physical pain he’d inflicted, his attempts to manipulate her psychologically, she had never felt irreversibly broken. But she was now.

_He doesn’t need you, look at him. He’s already forgotten you are here. None of them need you, they would be better off without you._

Her plan had worked; she had pushed him so hard, so often, that the bond between them had been lost completely. Chakotay didn’t need her anymore, had no place for her in his life.

“Have a good shift, Commander.”

Once she was sure he could no longer see her, the smile fell from her face and she let herself react to the stabbing pain in her chest she had been resisting in his company. Part of her knew exactly what it meant, but as with every other day, she pushed it away, refusing to accept that her body was breaking down every bit as much as her mind was.

Stumbling back to her quarters, praying she met no one, she tried to hold back the flood of emotion that was desperate to escape.

As the door closed behind her, she leant back against it, sliding down to the floor. And then she let her tears fall, arms wrapped around her body as tightly as she could as she fought to quell her wracking sobs. For once, her thoughts were silent, unable to create anything that would hurt her more than her reality.

***************

The ship suddenly rocked, throwing the bridge team sideways. Kathryn hastily scrambled back to her feet, having been dislodged from her seat by the movement.

“Red alert!”

“Weapons fire Captain, one ship. It doesn’t match anything in our database, it’s unlikely to be anyone we have encountered before.”

“Hail them.”

“No response.”

“What can you tell me about the ship?”

“Very little, our scans are not penetrating their shields. The attack so far has been with phasers, however based on size, I expect they have photon torpedoes or similar in reserve.”

“Status?” As she spoke, the ship jolted again and she had to grab the railing to keep herself upright.

“Shields 78%. Minor injuries reported on decks six, seven and ten. No damage to engineering, all systems currently functional.”

“Captain, enemy ship is charging weapons again.”

“Mister Paris, evasive pattern Delta Four. Mister Tuvok, try to get a lock on their weapons array.”

Another shockwave accompanied the next volley of weapons fire. Rapidly barking orders, she flew across the bridge in a blaze of adrenaline, heart racing so loudly it almost drowned out the noise of the bridge team all working together to keep Voyager safe from the aggressive attack.

“Shields at 70%. Life support lost on decks six through eight. ”

“Ensure those decks are evacuated immediately, divert any remaining power from those decks to shields once they are clear.”

“Target acquired, Captain, should we return fire?”

“Do it.”

Eventually, they managed to disable the attacking ship’s weapons, forcing it to halt its assault and then to retreat, jumping to warp before a further attempt to contact them could be made. Voyager was left damaged, but largely intact.

Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief, only to find her chest tight, resisting her attempts to replace the expelled air. Despite the cessation of hostilities, her heart was still racing; if anything, it seemed to be going even faster now, its panicked beats the only sound she could hear.

Blinking in confusion, she shook her head and glanced around the bridge. She was unnerved to realise all eyes were looking at her in bewilderment; she had clearly failed to respond to a question but she had no idea what it was, or from whom.

Turning, she suddenly felt lightheaded, trying to focus on her first officer, only vaguely aware of the fear growing unchecked in his eyes as he saw her face. “Chakotay...” his name barely a whisper as she collapsed, and, as they always had, the embrace of his safe arms caught her before she hit the ground.

As she looked up into his face, she was reminded of a time, a lifetime ago or so it felt, when she had watched from outside her body as Chakotay tried to pull her back from the clutches of death. In the end, that vision had turned out to be an illusion, but the death that had awaited her had been real, and she had never once accepted the time given back to her as the gift it was. All the moments between now and then flooded back, all the decisions she had made, all the opportunities she had pushed away. Her solitary wish to be back there, back when there was still time to change her mind, back when their love had still been close enough that she might have been able to save it if she had only tried. 

The irregular, frantic beating in her head was drowning out all sound, and not even the voice of her darkest thoughts could make itself heard above the noise. And in its absence, for a single moment, she saw everything as it was, with no deception, no doubts. She knew with perfect clarity what she could have had, what she always could have had if only she had let herself. It had never been too late. She saw all the steps along the way that could have been different, and all the futures that could now never be. 

His lips were moving but she couldn’t hear, eyes frantically trying to read what he was saying, failing, but understanding anyway. Fighting for just one more breath to reply.

“I…” 

But she just didn’t have anything left, no strength held in reserve on which she could draw. His hand found hers and her grip tightened around it almost painfully, giving him the only thing she had left to give – the last beats of her heart. Eyes locked together, Kathryn saw the moment he understood. The moment he forced the pain and fear from his eyes to be replaced with warmth, and the love she had never truly been able to make him let go of. She realised that his feelings for her had never changed; as she had done, he had simply become better at concealing it. His silent promise that he was here, the fervent lie that everything was going to be okay. As though they still had all the time in the world. Taking this last chance to do what he always had; everything within his power to make things easier for her.

She couldn’t explain it, but she was overwhelmed by the sensation that something wasn’t right, that this was not how her journey was supposed to end. Despite her best intentions, the decisions she had made to save Voyager, to protect Chakotay, had sent them in the wrong direction, and now she could do nothing but leave them adrift, and hope they would find their way back without her.

As she finally let go, her last hope was that the damage she had caused by walking this path, a path she was not meant to tread, had not cause irrevocable damage to the timeline. That somehow, the universe would find some way to correct itself. 

That someday, there might be a chance, however small, to right the mistakes she had made.

As her heart finally gave out, unable to cope with the strain of sustaining her broken body, the maddening onslaught of sound in her ears ceased at last, and her world fell into blissful silence.

**~End~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who has made it to the end, thank you. I know its not a very enjoyable story, but I tried to stay as true to character as possible. I'm not even really sure why I needed to write this, I tend to shy away from stories without a happy ending but this is what my brain came up with. Eventually, this is intended to have a sequel set during 'Shattered', in which Chakotay stumbles into this timeline. So while this is the end for now, there is always hope for a brighter future, and I think that was always in my mind while writing this. 
> 
> This story has been in the lines for a while, and is the sole reason 'Look no Further' exists - writing this was extremely challenging, and I just had to stop to write something 'happy'. As part of the wind down from this, I'm currently working on something light and fluffy to perk me back up, and hopefully you will all forgive me the darkness of this story when its done!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


End file.
